You may or may have not (but probably yeah) come across a situation in life, whether it was a casual hook-up sorta thing or a more classic (Tinder) dating scenario, where everything went smoothly, you got along great, you were, as they say, in touch with your inner goddess (sorry, I couldn't help myself), and then he went along and spoiled it all by saying that one stupid thing: "But just so you know, babe, I really don't want any drama!"
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| Melpomene, the Greek Muse of tragedy, with the mask of a weeping (male) face. Picture found here. |
Let us consider for a moment what he means when he says "no drama." As a starting point, we must take note of the fact that the Modern English (and German) word "drama" derives from the Greek expression δρᾶμα, meaning action. That is, in and of itself, already funny enough, as most of the gentlemen employing this very phrase are typically very keen on action. Another common linguistic misconception is the use of "drama" for simply "tragedy" - in fact, "drama" encapsulates both broad generical categories, the tragedy AND the comedy. Merriam-Webster defines drama as "the art or activity of performing a role in a play, show, etc" (my emphasis). Does this mean he wants you to "keep it real"? To be sincere, forthright and honest? To quit playing games with his heart? Pray, what is this gentleman beseeching you to do?
In contrast to the great masterpieces of classical Greek or Elizabethan drama, this guy's demand for "no drama" is of course based on a set of tacit assumptions about cis-men and cis-women in today's oh-so-gendered society: Women make drama, men make history (or at the very least coherent, factual stories, no fictitious nonsense that's only in their head). Men act, women react, no wait, over-react to the situation at hand by indulging in said drama. Women are emotional, men stay rational. Now if those sexist assumptions which implicitly inform his plea weren't already repellent enough, let's not forget that "no drama" first and foremost means the following:
"Keep it to yourself, I don't wanna deal with any of your sh*t."
There you go, my dear reader, you found yourself another vain and cowardly specimen of the male human being. Classic chicken move. Judging by my *extensive* experience with no-dramatists, I am fairly certain that this guy will expect you to pet this head, listen to his woes, stroke his ego, and generally offer support in every possible and impossible regard, but only, of course, because his drama is of the proper, the male sort. But beware if you ask this casual hook-up of yours to listen to your rant about that one co-worker who always eats your strawberry yogurt or, even more daring, about the patriarchal forces that keep you from earning more and caring less (oh wait, no, the patriarchy has moved!). He'll probably shut down completely and let you know in that needy, exhausted voice of his - because he is, after all, carrying the weight of the world on this shoulders - that he really just wants to "have a fun, cool time with you, babe." When, in reality, this guy should be so lucky as to even afford the lousiest seat in the auditorium for any of the magnificent dramas you have and will be staging. And that's what you should tell him.
Very insightful. I'd extend your critique by noting that anti-dramatists seem to want their partners/lovers/dates to be impossibly blank slates. I.e., people who have no histories, no families, no worries or struggles or foibles of their own. People who have somehow managed not to have actually lived. Which seems like a truly lousy goal to have.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this, Gil! That's a very compelling thought indeed. Not only does this desire for a tabula rasa kind of partner seem lousy, it also sounds incredibly boring and bland to me. It's our stories that make us beautiful and unique, after all.
ReplyDeletedrama doesn't need to be confined to the stage at ALL times: https://bobbiblogger.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/all-drama.jpg
ReplyDeleteHaha, thanks for this snippet, Trillianapher! Very accurate indeed! :)
DeleteInteresting insights on the origins of the word "drama"!! :) However, I must confess that I, a lesbian woman, have also expressed my aversion to relationship drama on frequent occasions in the company of my fellow queerios (many of whom share the sentiment). So it's not only whiny cis-men and it also doesn't necessarily mean what you described in your article. In my/our case it's mostly about being fed up with individuals who enjoy manipulating and playing with other people's feelings or being unable to commit to anything. That's the kind of drama I hate. Feminist rants? Ranting about the patriarchy over a few drinks to me sounds like an awesome first date ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot for this perspective, Terry! I think what I had in mind when writing this piece was the kind of "drama" that gets thrown at you as an insult/accusation whenever you start expressing your emotions in any way that's a bit more nuanced and/or negative than the happy, often superficial chatter some people (of all genders and sexualities) seem to expect from a relationship that is exactly what you just described, i.e. non-committal, manipulative, imbalanced. Your comment showed me, though, that such an accusation could actually be much more meaningfully launched in - what seem to me - more legitimate terms, to call people out for their insincerity or lack of empathy.
DeleteAnd yes, it does sound like an awesome date, glad you agree! :)